I've been quietly, mostly, pondering the reason for life over the last few years. Quietly because it sounds so drab, what's the meaning of life? But it feels so raw and like something is just beyond my fingertips.

Perhaps the solution is partly to create the reason myself, to do things in life that feel worthy and worthwhile. If I'm lucky enough to have a moment to ponder what has been when I die a long time from now, I think it will make more sense if I feel pride about my choices.

But then am I desiring to do good purely for selfish reasons and does that matter?

I'm reading AS Byatt's "The Children's Book" at the moment, enjoying it too. And there's a moment early on where two adult brothers are arguing over altruism and greed. A boy who the liberal minded man has recently saved from poverty is listening and is more offended by the liberal minded brother's touting of equality than he is by the straight talking of the entrepreneurial brother who has done some shady deals.

And sometimes I feel like that, like I'm the liberal man with all the politically correct friends - wanting to feel good about myself and perhaps being a little dishonest about it in the process.

So what is the answer. Stuff it all and do what you want?

Be honest about your motives?

Just earn shit loads of money and ignore the inequities in life?